Procrastinating

All of a sudden, well, to be truthfull after 6 weeks of frantic work and another 6 weeks of nailbiting, I was the proud receiver of a research grant. The first step on my way to a Masters by research/PhD, so I can be a real academic and not just a uni lecturer and tutor, as I am now. On contracts anyway. With the grant, massive amounts of stress came into my life as a free bonus. First of all, there is an amazing amount of bureaucracy attached to academic life, which makes me think it is all a trick to be learned: the content of your research matters less than adhering to all the milestones, rules and prescribed ways of doing things. (I do hope this is not true though.)

Secondly, now I've finally got my foot-in-the-door with the uni, I have to say 'no' to all offers of employment, because the grant requires fulltime study. A luxury problem, but still a bit daunting. In order to be able to continue what I love doing (teaching), I have to stop doing what I love doing for the next years. I tried teaching and studying together the past semester, but combining being a unit convener doing 2 lectures a week and fulltime study does not agree with me. Unfortunately I'm one of these people who gets stressed, depressed and burnt out easily, due to my overly responsible and perfectionistic nature.

The perfectionism and responsibility thing does not help in reducing stress by the way. I feel obliged to the grant suppliers to succeed and I want to do a good job with it too. I did quit a good job last semester, which is probably why I still have to recover from it, passing the IELTS academic with 8.5 and getting an HD and an Di in my research units. However, now the 'real' thesis is starting and I'm dreading to start with my literature review. 20.000 words are required and I haven't written anymore than 3.000 so far (for the review that has to go in your research proposal). That's why I'm lost already/again. And why I am procrastinating (love that word) by starting up a new blog on my research adventure. Well, that is done. The first post is a fact, and don't we researchers love facts. Actually, I discovered I'm more inclined to do qualitative research, but my topic requires quite some quants. But ... okay, STOP WRITING. Get to work. NOW!